AUGUST '23
diary
BEEN A WHILE
tuesday 05.12.2023 | [general]haiiiii... sorry the uni sem started and neocities slipped from my mind. for a few months. i want to renovate this site and probably redo the blog and other things, i might archive this page. considering making a new site entirely? hmmmmm...
title
sunday 20.08.2023 | [general]when will i learn that if i am considering something at 4am in the morning i should NEVER EVER follow my instincts argh... i made a mistake, but whatever......
edit: ya know i was overthinking it, it turned out to be fine haha! i just have full blown panic attacks over nothing sometimes where i jump to the worst conclusions and feel awful and freaked out and act accordingly (self sabotage) then later realise it wasn't a big deal. oop
java bonds
tuesday 15.08.2023 | [general]you know those stories that you've been following for so long that you've grown loyal to them in a certain way - like, no matter where this goes or how long it takes i have to keep up with it to the end. like, the type of attachment that's only possible when you've slowly ingested the content over months and years since its beginning and the characters have festered in your brain for almost a decade so that they're like old friends? :') maybe i'm a bit delusional hehe
what brought this up? i just reread a webcomic that i've followed since i was in primary school (2015?), it was one of my favourites on tapas back then, even though looking back, i was definitely not the target age demographic for it but. for a young child with unrestricted internet access i could've seen worse, riiight haha??
it's called java bonds. it has a special place in my heart, not just because of the nostalgia but every time i've come back to it to read the main character becomes more relatable to me and the story grows more real. like, i read it once every few years and every time i do a few more things make sense or hit home,, >_<,,,
lately that person keeps drifting to my mind again and it's so bothersome. i feel so annoyed whenever my mind brings them up like broski who asked (do you know the term limerence... if you know you know. yeah im mentally ill. i hate my dysfunctional brain). i just wanna never think of them again... it's a good thing that they never think of me and HOPEFULLY i have faded from their memory completely because i was embarrassing as fuck around them augh it haunts me. anyways! let's just shove these memories into the mental recycling bin
mid-august
monday 14.08.2023 | [general]the past days have passed by in a blur. not because i was busy or anything exciting was going on or anything, just because i lose sense of time when i do absolutely nothing and spend my days sleeping at 4am and beginning the day at 4:24pm. haha. i... should fix that.
humans are social creatures, you know? for a lonely and friendless person, one good interaction can make your week and one day of happy socialising can make you fall back into the pits of despair when you return to your lonely, void-of-a-social-life life. i found my last tweet of the year from 2022 and it was like, "every now and then i fantasise how nice it would be just to disappear off the grid from everyone i know and idk explode or something" anddd huh, i don't think i do that as often now which is good? but i still feel like it sometimes;; i wanna see my friends from highskl since it's been a little while and ik they'd probably not refuse if i tried to suggest smthing but i'm still waiting for the birthday present i ordered to deliver so i can give it to her when i see her (her birthday was over a month ago). also idk what i would suggest to meet up so -_-
and yeah they are closer to each other and probably hang out w/o me which is fine and all my (few) friends have better friends but i don't mind being on the fringes that much since i don't crave that much social interaction. like not getting any makes me feel a bit blank but getting too much makes me mentally combust in a bad way. i'm not a big talker or an interesting person or a good friend tbh. just now and then, if we could meet up or something i would be satisfied >_< is that selfish of me? i didn't mean it like i'm just using them to not feel lonely or fulfil my delicate social battery balance,, i just mean there aren't many people who i can just enjoy the company of without feeling stressed out or uncomfortable during or after it, so i guess i like to spend time with them when i do...
but i don't know how to become any closer or even keep holding onto my current friends because i'm really bad at. that. i'm scared of being clingy or making people uncomfortable or so on,, because i think that old lifelong fear of mine that i'm inherently unlikeable and no one could actually willingly want to interact with me ever and i'm just an unwelcome burden or annoyance on everyone i know is still a little bit relevant. so everyone will probably just drift away. idk
in other news; currently listening to babooshka by kate bush, and my current raison d'etre is the fact that madoka magica fourth movie news is going to release on 10/9!!!!! yippee
bucket lists
friday 11.08.2023 | [general]nothing much happened today (work day). i think i'll plan for my future, because i seem to have one
ok like, so. i'll do an internship next year. i'll do summer units to finish my degree on time. i'll. do an exchange to travel, in my fourth/fifth year. to travel a bit and maaybe mak,ok umm and then i graduate i guess, find a job in some graduate program...... work..........9-5 five days a week............. til i die? i move out at some point into some shoddy apartment with a stupidly high rental price because the cost of living is skyrocketing and you're always on the brink of homelessness. then get depressed, despair at the monotony and dullness of a life lived in the shackles of utter loneliness and a concoction of various mental illnesses, eventually neck it.
oh! i also want to visit a costco at some point! but i've been saying that forever but i don't know if i want to go there in reality... i've heard so many good things about it that it's like something fantastical in my mind, but i know if i really went it would probably be kind of disappointing? ahhh. i also, want. to visit the salt flats (salar de uyuni)... other places i want to see... maybe... hm. but i don't know, i don't really want to do solo travel, it sounds kind of scary ;;_;
instead of feeling excited for the future i feel daunted by it. it's not like i want to go backwards into the past... ough everything's just. funny... i don't want to think about it anymore.
normielife
thursday 10.08.2023 | [general]one of my most frequently felt questions, aside from "why do i exist"/"what is life" is: "will it ever feel ok?". obviously i feel ok sometimes but i mean like, in a more permanent sense. or maybe "will it ever feel good or will it ever feel right" is more accurate phrasing, but mm. i don't know. the feelings of ok-ness are good but they never last very long. everything's just whatever. dull. who cares?? what's the point? etc., i don't want to go through all that repetitive existential crisis spiel because it's also incredibly boring and i've been over it a billion times with no answer or development. ARGH. i don't get it, how do happy people do it? are people happy? i remember looking around a room of people dancing and partying and socialising and having fun with their friends and pathetically wondering if everyone was genuinely enjoying themselves or if they were all just had far better acting skills than me.
it's a very common one thing to feel, because you can hear or read all about it if you search for it. i feel so empty and bored and boring and sometimes i think i honestly don't care whether i'm dead or alive, at worst i've had the real urge to just end it but i've never acted on anything or self-harmed so it's nothing serious. this is super common though, right? not wanting to live, surely EVERYONE has felt that at some point, i don't understand how you can go through your entire life without having contemplated suicide at least a little bit, even briefly? not in a joking way but a real desire to just stop your existence. i know thinking these kinds of things is wrong. i know what the right trains of thought are, vaguely. i just can't do it?
spending time with the people you love, that's what makes the world go round~ unfortunately~ i ~ am~ lonely (i hate to admit it)~ and i~ don't even know if i want~ to go through the process of forming tangible relationships, because that's so fiddly and difficult and it's not even. enjoyable. but you do have to try, right? to be friendly and stuff... the problem is if i want to make friends i feel like i need to change my personality and put on an act of sorts. i don't really want to talk to people and forcing myself to talk is so annoying and i say dumb shit i'm not even feeling. obviously you can't really form a friendship being fake like that, so i don't know if i even want friends. a healthy lifestyle is probably a boon too, but i have no self-discipline. i always say i'll start trying or making healthy improvements but i don't think i even believe in myself at this point.
i just don't LIKE things and i wish i could LIKE things and have passions and dreams and a will to live. i don't have interests or hobbies, i don't really do anything with my life. i don't know what to do with my future. i can never get out of bed and it's been like this for years and years and when i wake up i just can't get up to start the day and then it's over in an hour or two and yeah. i feel so unmotivated and i can't get myself to do things even if i want to (some part of me wants to at least, just not the part that is in control of my executive functions). i feel like a bug again. an overturned arthropod. grosss.
mmmmmmmmh... whatever... this is what happens when you get out of bed at 3pm... it's three weeks into the semester... let's see how much further my mental health drops :]
edit: ok so i ate some peanut flavoured ice cream and watched a couple episodes of gomens2 and i can deem once again that life is not horrible and entirely unworthy of living ahahah oopsies. my mum was in one of her moods earlier so i felt kinda shitty,, also idk why it's so hard to get up in the mornings. i'll try harder...
to be likeable
monday 07.08.2023 | [general]i just watched a youtube video on how to be more likeable; it said to be optimistic, show reciprocal liking/express appreciation and interest in others, have good body language and make direct eye contact (T_T), have a positive effective presence (regulate emotions) and understand others/be understandable. i've always been a little desperate to be liked sooo maybe i'll try it... though i struggle with all of those things (has a negative presence, poor body language and inability to make eye contact, is distrustful, closed off, unfriendly, pessimistic, allegedly a non-human and gives off a "don't talk to me" vibe et cetera) so maybe that explains it.
... i mean, all of the stuff she said makes sense but i don't even know how to start AHahHa. now my youtube reccommendations are full of self help videos erm!!!! oh
inertia, normality
sunday 06.08.2023 | [general]i now diagnose myself as mentally sane... it was hard to get out of bed as usual this morning, but i'm feeling so nice and normal rn! i think i'll even watch my lectures so i can be prepared for the week! ahh i missed this!! the weather is normal, i am sitting at the dining table feeling normal, my family is normal, it's peaceful and safe and normal and calm. i feel like i can think clearly. i'm not sad or scared or nervous or manic or empty, instead i'm kind of content? i even feel slightly excited to go to my classes next week instead of having to fight off a burning anxiety about it. i know it's temporary but i'll still enjoy this calm floaty happiness while it's here.
in the evening i got out the switch and played some celeste (i really like this game's pixel graphics and music! i'm terrible at it but i'm slowly getting through >_<), splatoon (team LOVE!) and hatsune miku project diva (i think i injured my wrists on hibana...)~
saturday
saturday 05.08.2023 | [general]earlier on i was thinking of leaving early because ahhhh too many strangers (i probably leave things early too much. because i think i can handle socialising but then realise an hour or so in that i really just want to be at home and i don't fit in)... and the atmosphere was really rambunctious and like, idk, crazy... i know i'm no fun but i couldn't vibe and kind of just wanted to sit in the closet alone because i was miiiiiiilllllddddlllyyyy uncomfortableeeeeeeeeeee and awkward and starting to dysfunction but after the birthday girl arrived everything was fine:] cake was yummy and it was good
currently listening to miku's cover of boom boom boom!!! (it got annoying after a couple hundred replays though)
?
friday 04.08.2023 | [general]today was a nice and calm day of work (technically, i am writing this from work. one more hour ehe), i don't know why but i've been feeling kind of nervous all week and i can't shake the feeling off... it's ok! everything will be ok! right? ahhh!! what is life!!!!! not this again.
to be honest, i feel weird and lonely and fundamentally unlikeable and like i don't know how to be a normal human or a friend. i can't talk about my insecurities or make self deprecating jokes out loud because i'm sure people would agree with me and they'd either have to pretend like i'm not or they'd just tell me outright what a loser i am. and that would make me very sad and confirm all my fears that other people really do just see me the way i see myself.
change of topic but i forgot neocities had that social media aspect to it too with profiles and views and follows and comments n stuff>_< i disabled it for now because i kind of want to ignore it... sorry i really don't like social media it makes me pukey;;... currently my website layout is just copy-pasted from a template because i was too lazy to code and wanted to jump right into the other stuff, but i think i'll eventually get around to revamping my layout to be more personalised/flexible/responsive (when i figure out HOW to do that). i'm playing with/building my shrine pages as a way to learn coding (and they're going,, errh) so at some point when i'm confident and can be bothered enough i'll make something nice :-). (i hope). when i browse websites i'm always in awe of how creative and talented people are.
at peace
thursday 03.08.2023 | [general]the energies were alright today, after a fulfilling sleep i woke up at 1 in the afternoon; the weather was nice. i have decided to just watch the lecture recordings for consti instead of going in person and i am glad i made that decision because i'm not sure if i could bear all that if it wasn't playing at 2x speed :).
so i only went to one class today, sat with people from last week and some other people. i accidentally did the shrinking/being silent & avoident in a group setting thing again like i always do... idk, i am just very accustomed to wallflowering it just feels easier to go invisible mode. but i start to feel a bit worried(?) when i'm quiet for too long, because it sometimes results in people telling me i'm boring or asking why i'm so quiet. idk i'm just chilling.
i also realised i have a habit of assuming what other people are thinking of me before we've even interacted - paranoia? projection??? and being kinda antisocial as a result grh >_< ... in truth, they probably aren't thinking stuff like that at all... unless? no... haha i just made it worse... i'll try to be better though. maybe i'll be more friendly (uruhrhhm??). hnng
bug soup
wednesday 02.08.2023 | [general]i've had stomach pain all day from a combination of anxiety, my period and three-day-old avocado... i set a bunch of alarms this morning so i would wake up and leave for uni at 10, but i ended up getting out of bed at 10 and ... that is where it all started going downhill......
you know sometimes you wake up feeling covered in ants... and the ants keep multiplying and they're inside of you and your brain is crawling with ANTS!!!! and you're filled to the brim wth unbridled, directionless anxiety and you can't focus and everything feels odd and shaky and your eyes are twitchy and uncomfortable and your vision is unclear no matter how many times you blink or wipe your glasses. and you keep walking into doors and walls and so on. (ow, my stomach still hurts).
my car anxiety was extremely awful today too, cuz i CAN'T drive when my brain is like this, the last time i got into a car accident it was under similar circumstances. that day i forced myself out of bed for morning class despite every cell in my body resisting, almost got into multiple oblivious car accidents on the way to school and when i made it to class (late) my stomach and brain were churning and spazzing so much i could barely think about the content at all; internally i was hyperventilating and overthinking and on the verge of a mental breakdown but externally i was just there with the expression of a dead fish and smelling like slime (...).
i felt so nauseous and unfocused i decided to skip the rest of my classes that day and went to my car in the parking lot. so i sat there marinating in my helpless jittery anxiety but then i got worried a parking inspector or something might come along and see me sitting in my car and fine me. so i forced myself to start driving despite the fact that my mind was blanking on how to drive and i had forgotten the most basic of things about cars and i couldn't focus straight on the road my brain was imploding in on itself thinking SO much!!!! every thought going in different directions (ranging from ARGHHHGR to GRAHHGJGH to ugh to uuUuueueUUEUeuUEUU to ?????) and all this noise coming from inside my brain so there was no way to block my ears and. so much thought yet so little!!!!! none at all! ;__; can't think straight!
that was not a good day.
back to the present, i somehow didn't get into any serious car accidents today. well, i did reverse into a tree when leaving the garage and wwarrghh. it just bent the mirror though... it got fixed later but it caused some panic initially. i think driving in silence is probably for the best...... was gripping my steering wheel for dear life which i didn't realise until i felt how sweaty my hands were (ew;_;). everytime i hear a car honk or beep, no matter how far off, my nerves immediately spike because i think it must be directed at me even though i have no idea why and oh no is someonemadatmeimreallyreallysorryimtheworstbutidkwhatimdoingwrong orhhowtobebetterwhatdoidoimsorryimsorry;;; and campus parking, i think today was a record low for me. i don't even want to think about it ARGHHHHHH let's just say my life was saved by a kind stranger i will forever be grateful to them but they don't even know cuz i don't think i thanked them enough and i feel bad for burdening them what if they were in a rush and idk how to thank them and urffh;;;;;; uhhhrm.
on a somewhat happier note, i did get a group for sysdev and they are nice people ;_;. i actually made it on time to all three classes today (by the skin of my teeth), which was a very novel experience for me because i got to exchange pleasantries (/gripe about the state of parking on campus) and sit at a table of choice instead of showing up ten to thirty minutes late sweaty and short-breathed and just awkwardly sliding into the nearest empty seat while simmering in too much embarrassment to make eye contact with anyone. so... interesting
august
tuesday 01.08.2023 | [general]ahhgh!! how is it august already? time moves too quickly, as always. i told myself i would use the weekend to do my pre-readings and get ready for classes this week, but the weekend plus two days have gone by already and i haven't done a thing. i don't want to fall behind in the second week of the semester... again..... >_<
i'm really nervous for my systems development tutorial tomorrow (it's the three hour one....), it's the one where we had to do all the icebreakers and i didn't make a single friend... unfortunately being a loner (like i have done in my other classes) seems to be especially disadvantageous in this unit because the major assessments are all group ones, where you need to choose your own group T_T help!!!!! it's gonna be awkward!!!!! do you think if i get there extra early someone might start a conversation or sit with me instead of me having to go up to someone and accidentally creep them out due to my social ineptitude/anxiety......:') ARGHH but what if no one does. and i'm just. alone. AHAHAHA. well, i should really aim to get there early anyways (i am always late for everything (not on purpose) and it makes me feel bad); to make time for parking, i'll leave my house at 10 which means waking at 9 which means sleeping before 2...
ok, i'll study now!!!!! holding myself accountable. let's go
hmm
sunday 30.07.2023 | [general]... i feel so inconsistent all the time, like i don't really have a personality or identity of my own. i have a loose attachment to my 'self', if that makes sense, like i drift closer towards and further away from it but i'm never all the way there. similarly i've never been good at picking names and labels for myself. i just feel like a thing, and that thing is barely even 'me' sometimes.
maybe i should join a cult? not very fond of the social or religious aspects though, so probably not.
on a different note, i've been updating my neocities every day so far but maybe i'll take a break from it soon. gotta focus on my uni studies, after all! though there are still things i want to add and maybe i want to revamp the layout... it can wait...
driving anxiety
saturday 29.07.2023 | [general]so i think the relevant term is 'intrusive thoughts', but whenever you get into the driver's seat of a car, does it briefly flash across your mind that you're about get into a horrific car accident and this might be the last day of your life? like... a sudden sense of doom or something... even as a passenger, i'll be sitting there happily with my seatbelt strapped in and the sudden realisation will hit that if we were to get into a high impact collision right then and there, my knees would likely go through my skull and i could end up paralysed or crippled for life (or just dead). which is a pleasant thought.
this morning i woke up to something which reminded me of something from a few years ago and i just sobbed in bed for a bit, somewhat pathetically. i don't think there's any other memory makes me spontaneously tear up every time it comes to mind, and idk. it was a relatively small, insignificant thing, but reliving the memory just makes me feel utterly helpless and sick and nothing all over again. i fell back asleep afterwards and had a series of dreams where i was always in my house like normal, but something would be slightly off - for example my sister, who moved to a different state two months ago, chilling in the living room - and i'd become vaguely aware of the possibility that i was dreaming, at which point i'd open my eyes and "wake up" in a similar sort of dream. i finally woke up around 1pm. in the evening, i went for a walk around the neighborhood. it was nice.
anyways, intrusive thoughts are really common right? doesn't everyone think of getting their fingers sliced off when they're within a five meter radius of a sharp knife, or get the urge to jump/free-fall every time they're somewhere up high. or fear it's the last time they'll ever see a loved one again when they wave goodbye due to so and so and so reasons? those thoughts don't bother me much since they're fleeting and basically normal (at least, it's been like that for as long as i can remember); besides, i'm not suicidal or anything right now so i know i won't act on them. the worst kind of intrusive thoughts are ones that involve other people and i hate when those happen because i am a terrible person... they make me feel really guilty. and the very worst category of this is when, erm i'll save it for another entry because that's something i could talk a lot about. wowowowowowow my brain is awful! i often feel like i have no control over it at all.
internet memories
thursday 27.07.2023 | [general]i got home from uni a little after 10pm today. i woke up at 3pm and decided to forego my three hour constitutional law lecture... was considering skipping my databases workshop too but my friend needed a laptop charger so i got my butt to uni in the end. already skipping class in the first week is TERRIBLE i swear i will fix my habits! i will fix my sleep schedule! to myself, please don't make me repeat my disastrous semester two mental illness boogaloo from last year again.
umm so the reason i woke up so late was because i fell asleep at 8am... my neocities addiction stirred some old memories from my carefree, slightly-chronically-online primary school kid era. back then, i would walk home from primary school with my grandpa everyday and hop on the family 'puter until i heard the screech of the garage door opening, signalling that my mother had returned from work. animal jam, moshi monsters, flash games etc. and i remembered (for some reason i totally forgot about it during high school) this website i made in 2015......... it's still there when i google the specific title. oh.
i think it's interesting how our internet personalities just remain archived out there (a lot gets deleted or lost, of course) - in your old social media accounts, websites, comments and so on - even if you forget about or move on from them, there's a good chance you'll be able to re-trace bits of your past cringey online personas. and this one was VERY passionate about warrior cats...
icebreakers
wednesday 26.07.2023 | [general]i am sooooo tired right now. It's nearly 8pm here and I'm sitting in the uni library, at the end of my first day of the semester. my databases class technically runs from 6pm - 8pm but I left early because it was boring. i was sitting at the very front of the classroom and had to walk past everyone to get to the exit, but whatever !! i couldn't take it any longer !!! my only other class today was a three hour long systems development tutorial, where the first hour was taken up entirely by ice breakers. we had to talk to every other person in the room for two minutes each, following a systematic rotation. grahhhh :(!!!!!!
"What's your name? Oh nice to meet you [name], I'm [name]. (*forgets their name immediately*). What year are you in? What are you studying? (*both going huh?/asking the other to repeat because we can't hear each other over the sound of everybody talking*). Cool. (I don't actually care or think it is cool and neither do they). So... (*slightly awkward silence as we both stand there staring at each other waiting for the time to run out*). Ok well byeee!! rinse and repeat thirty more times. i don't remember a single person.
but after class i treated myself to a dalgona pearl milk tea and it was yummy!! i sat outdoors in a secluded corner of the campus and blissfully sipped my drink while reading a book (i've just started The Handmaid's Tale, i'm three chapters in and i don't have any strong impressions so far but i like it for the most part! the worldbuilding is interesting, makes me want to keep reading on and see what our protagonist will do).
friend got at a con!! i like this keychain :)
plans for this blog
tuesday 25.07.2023 | [general]hihii i just got off from work~ well, i work from home so it's fairly chill, i don't feel drained of all joy and energy after my shifts like i did at my old retail job ^_^. i was browsing through neocities for much of the day and i think it's fun to sort by 'last updated' or 'random' and just sightsee (sitesee? hehe). feels like a glimpse into the e-soul of an internet stranger.
but anyways, i was thinking about my plans for this blog... it's not really feasible to just keep adding every single entry onto the one webpage like this, right? :') i think i'll have to split them up, but creating a new page every time i want to make an entry sounds like a pain, so, i'll probably group them by month... i also plan to have different types of entries, maybe i'll try my hand at writing something nice? i've never been much of a poet though. when i have the energy to do something, i usually turn to media consumption (it's easy), but i want to try creating more. maybe it won't be good, but i want to get better at expressing and understanding myself (SORRY THAT WAS CHEESY but it's true). after 19 years on this planet, i feel like i've only regressed in that aspect as i grew older.
the corporatisation of the internet
monday 24.07.2023 | [general]recently i felt nostalgic about all the time i spent on the web as a preteen, so i decided to play around with neocities. it's fun, though i have a lot to learn about html.
anyways, doing this has made me realise how disappointed i am in the current state of the soulless, corporate internet! twitter, reddit, discord, instagram and the handful of other centralised social media giants; of course there are advantages of convenience, reach and accessibility among many others, but they feel so sanitised and artificial. like the digital equivalent of a bustling shopping centre and you're the seller, the consumer and the product all at once. it's all so c a p it a l i s m-core - can you tell i hate being inside shopping centres? they invoke my anxiety like no other (besides maybe high schools and airports).
i don't hate the internet, i'm addicted to it after all. but with discord getting rid of discriminators, the reddit API protests, and *gestures vaguely at twitter going up in flames*, i guess things will just keep continuing down this path to the point of no return.